Tales We Spin and Their Influence on Our Communication Patterns
Speaking assertively without being an assertive person? Yep, it's possible, according to communications guru Jefferson Fisher. In his book, "The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More," he offers some practical advice on how to make a point without being a pain in the butt.
Communication, Fisher claims, is often shaped by the stories we tell ourselves. So, question your narratives. Are they factual and reasonable, or just your neurotic imagination running wild?
"One question to ask yourself is 'Is this fact, or interpretation?' Are they really avoiding you because they're a chronic flake, or are they just swamped with work?" he says. "Another question is 'Am I responding to the present moment, or am I responding to some emotional trauma from the past?'"
But what about those pesky internal filters that color our conversations? How can we become more aware of them and take them into account?
"Know your triggers," Fisher advises. "Understand why certain words or ideas set you off. Once you know, you can keep yourself from hitting the panic button."
Want to know your blind spots? Ask for feedback. "Be honest with yourself and ask others for their perspective," says Fisher. "Blind spots are hard to see, and you need others to help you see them."
Good questions are the key to a productive conversation, Fisher says. They keep the conversation moving forward, show you're engaged, and signal that you value the other person's opinion.
But what about those people who only want to promote their own viewpoint? In that case, Fisher suggests using phrases like, "I can see" or "I can understand why you feel that way." This approach helps de-escalate tension and make the other person feel heard.
Ever had a conversation that went off the rails and wished you could redo it? Fisher has some advice for that, too.
"Own up to your mistakes and apologize as soon as possible," he says. "This shows vulnerability, rebuilds trust and opens the door for fresh conversations."
Disagreements can actually strengthen relationships, Fisher says. "Surface level friendships are built on surface level conversations," he says. "If you want a deep relationship, you have to have tough conversations." Here are Fisher's four "rules" for maintaining healthy relationships with people of opposing viewpoints:
- Have something to learn, not something to prove.
- Avoid personal attacks, criticize ideas, not people.
- Find common ground. Understand and acknowledge, especially when you disagree.
- Be willing to agree to disagree without resentment.
Communication is not a battle to be won, Fisher says. It's a tricky knot to be untied. "Be patient, be disciplined, and find the knot," he advises.
Enrichment Data:
A communications expert, Jefferson Fisher emphasizes self-awareness and understanding of one's triggers to navigate internal filters effectively. By focusing on learning from others, using objective language, fostering open communication, practicing active listening, and knowing when to apologize, one can have healthier, more productive conversations.
In the workplace or personal life, asking yourself were your narratives are factual or interpretations can help you communicate assertively without being overbearing, as advised by communications expert Jefferson Fisher. Recognizing your triggers and keeping yourself from being set off by certain words or ideas can enhance teamwork and leadership. Additionally, being aware of one's internal filters and asking for feedback from others can help identify blind spots, leading to more productive conversations and deepening relationships, even with people who hold opposing viewpoints.
